'Twas the night before...

I've just popped a sleeping tablet. The doctor gave them to me (two of them) incase i was a little anxious tonight and needed help getting to sleep. I took the first one about 15 minutes ago and if the eyelids don't start to droop in the next 15 minutes I'll be taking the other one too.

I'm absolutely petrified and a little bit excited and a teeny bit disappointed and upset and did I mention petrified already?! I hate hospitals and needles and all that stuff. Until Cushla was born (exactly 19 months ago today) I'd never ever been in a hospital bed. Somehow it's so much easier to arrive at hospital when you're bent over double groaning and moaning with contractions minutes apart. I didn't even feel the needles etc. last time as I was so distracted by what my body was doing. (Eventually of course when things didn't progress accordingly and the 'C' word was mentioned I finally lost it and went loopy!)

I'm to present myself at hospital tomorrow morning at 11am. After that i'm not really sure what happens. The info I was given mentions paperwork, shower, IV inserted and then I'm not sure... I don't know how many sections my obstetrician does on a given afternoon and how she decides who goes first etc. The thought of arriving there and then having to wait for hours and hours scares me cause if it all moves along quickly I won't have time to get hysterical.

I realise there's no rational comparison in what i'm about to write but let me get it out anyway.... I keep thinking of the time I had to go get my wisdom teeth out in Dublin (this is only a few years ago) Don had to drag me down the street as I slowed and slowed my pace as we walked from the car to the surgery. I was in tears by the time we reached reception and I didn't stop even as the anaethetist put me out. I was in tears when I woke up and the whole thing still haunts me today. The idea that tomorrow I shall willingly present myself for major surgery is amazing to me. I have honestly considered just not showing up... but of course i will.
...ok....I haven't lost it...i realise of course that at the end of all this I'll have a brand new little life and that I've already been through all the pros and cons of my decision and it's not "how" the baby arrives that's important but that it arrives safe and healthy... I understand all of that but it doesn't mean I'm still not pooping myself about the surgery! I suppose that the fact I'll skip any potential pooping has to be an upside of having a c-section though!!

I'll be in touch as soon as I can to let you know what flavour it is and how it all goes. Off to take sleeping tablet number 2. Night night.

Gx